A New Year full of new promises, adventures, and joy to be had. For a lot of people the New Year is an exciting end to a busy season and a fun beginning for changes, improvements, and growth. This New Year I was especially excited because I found out I was pregnant and we would be having a baby in September!
I kept it a secret that morning from Michael. He's not a morning person, and I wanted to do something special to share the news. Denver and I went out that day looking for big brother t-shirts! We found a few options and he was SO EXCITED about being a big brother 😍. He couldn't wait to tell his daddy the big news!
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| New Year, New Baby! |
Michael came home and read Denver's shirt. He was definitely surprised and excited asking, "REALLY?!?" It took us a few years to get pregnant with Denver, being blessed with our second baby in just a few months of trying was God showing His faithfulness to us. I never want to forget God's faithfulness to us. I know that He is always faithful and my situation or circumstances will never change who He is.
Fast forward just a few short weeks later, and my heart was broken. I had started bleeding and immediately felt panicked. I had bled a little with Denver, and was hoping it was just a hemorrhage or pocket of old blood like before so I went to my OB. They did an ultrasound and warned me that if we didn't see a heartbeat, that it could still be ok because I was only 6 weeks. I'll never forget the weight in the air as I held my breath as she searched for our baby's heartbeat. I saw a blip on the big screen tv, and then saw a sweet tiny baby moving around. Our baby did have a heartbeat, and I was so encouraged! I met with the OB after the ultrasound, and he recommended I start on Progesterone to keep my levels up and start a prescription pre-natal vitamin to give my body the extra folic acid. I started on those that day and was sent home being told, "Everything is fine right now, and sometimes it just stops for no reason and there's no need for concern, but if it gets worse to come back in."
Two.Days.Later. Two days past that appointment where I got to see our sweet baby and their heartbeat on the screen, and the bleeding became much worse. It snowed that day, so everything in our city was delayed including my work. I left a voicemail for the nurse to call me back that morning, and when she called back I was overwhelmed with fear and sadness. I could barely speak to her over the phone because the emotions came so quickly. She was so kind and said I could be worked in the schedule that day. I went to the OB by myself (a decision I now regret as having Michael with me would have been best). The same room where I had seen our baby's heartbeat, I sat on the same table and heard and saw with my own eyes that our baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was crushed and even months later as I type this, I'm still overwhelmed with sadness and grief. The nurse and Dr. were kind as they talked me through options, but I chose to let everything happen naturally. Michael left work early and came home so we could be together. I cried the rest of that night and the next 2 days following.
Something I wasn't expecting to be as difficult as it actually turned out to be was letting those people around us know that I miscarried. Telling the co-workers that we had shared the news with, friends, our small-group, and some family. Each text, e-mail, or encounter in person was painful to communicate. Miscarriage is still something people can never know exactly how they should respond. Some women struggle with feeling like it was their fault or thinking that there was something they could have done to prevent the miscarriage. This wasn't my struggle. Recently, our church has been going through Romans, and I've thought a lot about misconceptions we have about God. One of those is called the Prosperity Gospel=You get good when you are good. So the opposite of this is that when terrible things happen, we must have done something for God not to bless us. The truth is that bad things happen to all people. We live in a broken world, a world that only Jesus can make new again. No matter what life situation I am in or what my circumstances happen to be, God is still who He says He is.
God is: Faithful. Good. In Control. My Hope. My Joy. Personal. Always Present.
He calls me: Chosen. Not Forsaken. His Child. Redeemed. Free. Sanctified. Justified. Forgiven. Sealed.
I have to constantly remind myself of His truth. Our second baby was loved and because of the Hope I have in Christ, one day I know He will make everything new again. He will right all wrongs, and wipe away all tears, sadness, and grief. I can sing praises to Him because of who He is. I never want to forget that our second baby was God's faithfulness to us. He is kind and generous, and I'm grateful to have had a part in their life.
